He never showed

2~3 weeks ago. I ran into one of the post-docs over the winter holidays while eating at a restaurant back in Sendai after getting back from a great ski trip. He's from France, and that evening, I learned from him that he would be quitting his position at the lab and heading for Europe for an interview for a new position. I was happy for him, though he seemed rather quiet that evening... he even offered to sell me his car, cheap, for $600.

A few days later, I was at the lab working on something over a weekend. I don't remember what, but I was there doing something. I was almost finished for the day to head out for a movie with friends in the evening. I wanted to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith which was released about a month ago in Japan. The post-doc guy was around packing and asked me to come with him for a little bit to the post office to help him send off some of his belongings. He then told me his real reasons for leaving... but I was rather stunned, to say the least, to hear what I heard.

During the drive to the post office, I was told about how he didn't feel secure in this lab. He thought that people didn't like him at this lab. He took a 3 week vacation a while back in the summer. He told me afterwards that he had the feeling (or was told?) that the professors thought that he took a little long of a holiday. He felt guilty about it. It's true, sometimes the Japanese have this impecable ability to make other people feel guilty. Sort of an aside here, but sometimes they don't tell you things straight but there are times where you can read through them... and that was probably what he was sensning. He decided to work harder to catch up and try and not disappoint the professors and then from here on in, it's an obvious downhill story from here on in.

He worked hard, pretty damn hard he said. But somehow he could never impress or make the professors happy. I think that's one thing that's true about Japanese managers, is that they don't know how to give compliments. His theory was that if people started hearing that he was getting compliments/praise from the professors then other Japanese people in the lab would get jealous. His reasoning is that because the Japanese people work so hard (well the people in this lab atleast) that they would get jealous of him because they don't often hear these nice things from their professors. He did one day eventually hear a nice thing from one of his professors... the only problem was that be became paranoid of what the other Japanese students thought of him.

The ball kept rolling... down hill. He got uncomfortable hanging around the other Japanese people in the lab. His desk was in another building where there are less people (like 2 out of the 50 people in the lab) and he decided to hole himself up there for atleast a few months. He didn't join the rest of the lab for lunch or anything. He also started growing a paranoia of the other people at the lab. He felt that they were talking about him... but he didn't know about what. He thought that perhaps they were saying bad things behind his back and he didn't feel that he could trust them.

There's more to it too. Apparently Japan compared to France, their lab safety conditions aren't up to the same standards. The postdoc guy was pretty frank about it. The only problem is that changing how things are done in general is a slow processes. But he kept pushing but was getting no where with it. "What up with that??" At the sametime, he started feeling like the professors were pressuring him more to get more work done because he disrespected them some how and they were out for vengence (and some how they had this plot that they'd grind him down by pressuring him more and more to produce more work). While I am typing this, this story just seems really absurd, but to him, he thought it was a fact of reality.

So at one point, he finally snapped. He had to get out. Within in a week of hearing that he had an interview for a new position and that he would be leaving this lab (talk about counting chickens before they've hatched), the profs recommended that he stay to finish off his project before he left. But he was intent on leaving. He would hear later from the people he would be interviewed by that they had found a potential candidate for the position. His mind jumped out at the possibity that the director of the lab called in to the lab at Sweden to tell them that he wasn't a suitable candidate or something (apparently he didn't list him as a reference).

Paranoia eating at the poor postdoc.

I helped the guy packup, invited him over to my place for dinner. I dropped a messege to another labmate living at the dorm about his condition and that we'd be stopping back for food. He also made some brownies for us while we ate on some turkey stew, we spent the evening comforting him and trying to dispel his paranoia.

I had left my scooter back at the lab since the post-doc was heading back there to collect a few more things, I went with him and spent more time chatting with him. All sorts of paranoias of people not liking him or things working against him came popping out. It's easy to think like that when you don't trust people. In a foreign land, without the ability to speak or understand, you're even more so at the mercy of the people around you. I kept telling him that things aren't like that. Why would a lab spend money on a post-doc just to keep him around and crush him into submission is beyond me. Absurd, I tell you. I told him that too. By the end of the evening, it felt like we came to an understanding, things were clear. I was happy and then went home.

Several days later, I would meet him again during the boxing day of Japan on Jan 2. He was with the Taiwanese gang of the lab, they were all out doing some shopping during the "first sale" event in Japan (read: things sold at discount!). We hit a place for dinner, he was his same old paranoid self. I was rather annoyed about it. It was a little worse this time... he wanted to justify his paranoia. In honesty, I was starting to get a little pissed.

How this guy would decide, around the 4 other people sitting around the table, that people at the lab didn't like him. On several occasions he has spent entire afternoons and late evenings with people with the lab to let off steam. "It didn't make sense, it was silly! A farewell lunch was even organized for you! How can you not see this!? This is inanity!?" that was what I was thinking. I just couldn't see how he could still see from his view point... how could he be so blind?? We talked and talked, but it just never sunk in to him.

Several days passed. Last Friday was the date of his farewell party. The professors showed along with about 12~13 other people that were still around Sendai (the lab was still on holidays). His supervisor has a present for him. The post-doc never showed...