Reinveting one's self

I am sick, pumped up on medicine and drinking a home brew fruit punch with sake mixed in. Suffice to say that my thoughts are a little more fluid and out of control as usual, but I will take it as a good thing, because it is a good thing to let loose once in a while.

If someone asked me what my biggest weakness was, I'd have to say that I am too accommodating. There is an innate nature (whether if it is genetic or nurtured) that expects myself to fulfill the expectations of other people. In general, I think it is a general Asian weakness, more so a Japanese one? A Chinese one? I am not sure, but it is something that most of us Asian kids have to end up dealing with --> dealing with the academic expectations of our parents. Most of us that do well academically are the ones that know how to jump the hoops and please our teachers and parents. But I gotta say, the ones that only know how to jump the hoops and play the tricks end up turning into a bunch of wusses.

I believe it because I think I am one.

By most standards, I would consider myself largely successful. I got accepted into a pretty good university and graduated out of one of their most demanding undergraduate departments, with distinction. UBC is ranked in the 35th out of all the universities in the world.

I would eventually get a shit job cutting out clouds from satellite images and then proceeded to look for other opportunities. I eventually would find a scholarship to Japan, with all university expenses paid and a monthly living allowance. I would be 1 out of 13 students accepted into this program to head to Japan and land into one of their top 5 universities for Engineering and one of the best labs for Microsystems research. I would develop and publish research results for an electron beam gun with the lowest turn on voltage published in literature I could find at that time.

By most standards, yeah I guess I am successful, but I did a lot of this by giving people what they wanted. I followed the rules and played by the book, produced what I had to do. Looking back at it, it might feel like being a dog knowing to do tricks.

As a kid, I used to play music and had to audition to get into bands. It's kind of interesting to realize that by the age of 13 I was learning interviewing skills and started figuring out the kinds of answers these interviewers were looking for. It's a system to be gamed, really. All you had to know is what the person in front of you wants and you give it to them. I've sent a friend on a 1 year scholarship exchange to France because I knew how to set her application up right and I am doing it again to land her a job in a research institute in France.

And that's the problem with the thing. I've been trained like a monkey to produce for the demands of other people. I wouldn't consider it completely a bad thing, but it's unbalanced. Why?

Where is the "me" in this? Where is the "I" in this fucking equation? And that is the problem.

I've been mulling over a section from the book The Art of Seduction I've mostly finished reading but got bored because it was a repeat of a similar story over and over again. Basically the author generalizes "seducers" or character archetypes into several categories and provides a sort description of their strengths and weaknesses.

From the book, I could describe myself from the "The Charismatic" archetype, a person that knows the right things to say and attains a level of popularity from it. I work well in public environments and would consider myself an extrovert, well, that was while I was in Canada. The human dynamics of people between Japanese and Canadian culture is different so my skills don't entirely apply here so I am far more introverted in Japan. But, continuing on...

As the book would go on to describe, the greatest weakness of a charismatic person has is with dealing with people that simply don't give a damn. The book describes these people as "the rake" but I feel that "rogue" would be a better title for a person with these qualities.

These bastards know only what they want and are out to get what they want. They don't care to be pleased and if you are in their way, prepared to get removed unless you put up a fight.

The last time I got pushed over by one of these guys was when they were after a girl I met at a party. Sure they were friendly when we weren't "competing" when we had conflicting interests, but when it came down to their priority of getting the girl, "superficial friendship" was something easy to toss for them. No amount of charm, discussion or whatever was going to convince them otherwise. I have a sinking feeling that in the higher echelons of politics and business are polluted with these people. For these people are Alpha, people that use and wield power for their own purposes. The accommodating nice guy/person would generally get their asses handed to them because of these people.

Many a movie has been made with this plot line.

Revenge of the Nerds

There is a joke out there that went something like this...

"I might be ugly but you're stupid, but at least there's plastic surgery"

I believe that I've only been playing with half a hand of cards. One half is knowing how to please people and gain support through that, the other half is knowing how to go at it on your own if you have to. There are some serious assholes out there that play with the opposite hand that I carry. The ideal would be a combination of both.

I've lived in Sendai for about 3 years and moved to Tokyo. Tokyo and Sendai are relatively polite places, but move out further west to Osaka, people are way more self-centric, which may appear to be very un-Japanese. Even the Japanese consider western Japan to be almost another country because of the big differences in thinking. I've had to deal with some of them on the phone and I can already tell the difference.

Unfortunately for me is that I've been living in the accommodating parts of Japan for a little to long and it's had a bad impact on me. This is going to have to change and I am going to start aiming to become more assertive, but without crossing the line of becoming an ass. When asserted, I want to command respect when I speak.

When I was younger, I made a decision that I didn't want to be "cool" because I didn't like cool people when I was younger. They seemed shallow, relying on their social status as a source of power and popularity. People tried to please them and their approval would be like something of a boss giving someone a promotion. They had the power and they didn't have to give a damn. I didn't care for being judged by other people like this and stuck to my own world of whatever the hell it was I existed in.

When the era of the jockeys and "cool" people ended from grade school as we walked into university, the playing field was considerably leveled and I wasn't as limited in my options anymore. I chose not to become "cool" because of my distaste for it and I disliked the notion of attaining social power because I felt it was corrupting. However, there are things that I realize I am at a loss for, such as knowing how to handle power if given it in the first place.

In the work place, I am sort of like a boss to several people that work under me, and I am starting to realize that my ability to give orders is somewhat undermined by my inability to take a controlling position as I have a tendency to treat people as equals. In other words, I might be their boss, but they are less willing to take orders from me, especially when it comes to doing tedious but necessary tasks. As much as I might hate it, some parts of being a good leader is knowing how to handle power and give orders.

My vision of leadership was never like this before because I believed in working with people with similar level of skill and leadership would be diplomatic coordination or a person with a vision that everyone else believed in. Not simply giving and taking orders... and so is my welcome to the corporate world.

The world is more diverse than I first realized because of the bubble I existed in. I've slowly stepped out of it and will need to shift my perceptions and acquire new skills to deal with it.